Out of Sync

I should have known it was inevitableI should have known this day would come
I should have guessed things would begin to look this way
I should have read the signs, but I played dumb.

I feel stupid now for my ignorance
For it's only left me lagging behind
While you move ahead with all that's new
I'm left with an emotionally unstable mind

I'm still absorbing the change
the new 'you' that I see
Familiar has turned strange
and my emotions suddenly seem re-arranged.

I feel trapped and exhausted to the bone,
tired and worn
but this is my battle
One I have to fight alone.

It's a battle against change
or should I say for it.
It's my fight to overcome the constant  need of 'comfortable'
and welcome the 'unfamiliar' into my life.

How did I not see it coming?
I can't help but question.
But maybe it was just me,
avoiding the signs and suggestions

There's a part of me that knew all along
That there has to be an end to a harmonious song
and though it is difficult for me to move on
I know that over 'change', I can prove myself strong.

I don't expect you to stay back with me
Or even move at my pace
I don't ever want you to feel obligated 

to forever be at my case

I ridicule myself 

for feeling this way
But I guess there was a part of me
that feared the coming of this day

The sync that we always fell into
is now somewhat astray.
Although it's still there for now
I dread it will disappear someday.

I hate myself for being so weak
I know it would do you anything but proud
this side of me, I've never seen
hidden under the familiar, It remained insecure and un-found.

This part of me is the weaker 'me'
it has always depended on you.
even when I showed I needed no help
This dark side was indirectly holding on to you

This note may make no sense at all
but to me it's a much needed place to vent
For when the only person you ever said such things to, is out of reach
A blank page seems like a friend, heaven sent.

Dad.

There used to be a place I'd run to when I was down
and in that place, I knew I'd face no evil or harm.
That place was my comfort zone when troubles seemed to surround
It was in the loving embrace of daddy's strong arms.

There used to be a voice, so gruff and commanding
That changed when i was sick or hurt into sweet, loving and understanding
That voice, though suddenly one day,changed after a stroke
It was the voice from your heart, that to me, always spoke.

There used to be a handy-man
who knew the tricks and tools of the trade
he'd always know how to fix a broken shelf
Or chooses the right paint shade.

There used to be someone
to scare away the boys.
when they fooled around, or misbehaved
and treated his girls like toys.

There used to be a decision maker
The one who took the first step
He would do what his heart told him
and never, a grudge, he kept.

The ink on his skin told the story of him
An eagle with wings to lift us up, a tiger to be our guard.
A fighter he was, and always remained
and that fact is what strengthens my heart.

Life is not the same without him near.
Think for yourself, what it'd be like, to loose one so dear.
To my daddy, who always knew just how much to love,
I pray and hope you are watching proudly over me from above.