A Whiff of Home

I'm laughing.
Cause once again,
my feet are glued to the ground
frozen.
Now and then,
I recognize it,
that sweet fragrance.
The one that's all you.
I don't know perfumes,
and all their brands and labels,
but I know you.
And I know when I sense you.
And all it takes is a stranger,
some random stranger,
wearing your fragrance,
to pass me by.
And I'm lost,
in a place that's all too familiar,
I have to take a moment,
to stop and close my eyes.
And maybe to everyone else,
it may seem like just a fleeting second in time,
but for me,
it's hours of knowing you
it's dates and dinners
and late evening walks
it's movies and make out sessions
and it's our aimless talks
it's looking into your eyes
a portal to your soul
it's hours of us talking about
what we'll be like when we grow old.
It's mornings of waking up with my skin on yours,
and nights of tangled limbs and deep kisses,
Breathing you in, in the am,
and letting go of only myself.
it's hours of living You,
and leaving me,
and in that moment, in that reverie,
for as long as the fragrance stays,
as the stranger walks past me,
I just want to be
with you.
The fragrance fills me,
fills every empty space you left when you walked away.
it mingles with my blood,
the same way you flowed through my veins,
before I lost you. Now I'm counting my gains,
they are few. They're nothing like you.
And then my lungs are exploding,
cause I can't hold onto it long,
just like I couldn't keep you,
I exhale.
and poof.
It's gone.

I'm laughing.

Don't Let Them Go.

When you stop letting them know,
You start to let them go.
And although slow,
They will eventually walk out the door
And you will be left feeling poor
Heart empty, soul sore
Wondering whether you've turned a bore
When you ask then if anything's wrong
They'll definitely say no.
But you know.
You let go,
When you stopped letting them know.

Tell them. Be open and tell them.
Every once in a while say it.
Remind them why they mean a lot
Remind them they're a blessing you caught
Keep them near, the ones you hold dear
We only live this one life here. 

I love you. I need you. You matter.

Plea

Can you be you
Can you be the you I fell in love with
The you who fell in love with me
The you who let me be me
Cause this new you won't let me be carefree
This new you is more laughing at me than with me
Downsizing me, depreciating me
This new you, is not the real you.
This new you is scary and unreal and trying hard
You've never had to try. You just had to be, you know
Yet there you are, wind in your hair, feet here, mind afar
Breath warm and filled with that last one from the bar
And here I am, wondering who you are.
This isn't you.
But hell who am I to tell you what you should be
You've always been the ruler of your life
I just feel it vital for you to know
That maybe you're letting yourself go.
And maybe you won't listen, maybe you want more
But I'm trying and tiring of holding on
I don't want to be gone
I don't want you to be gone.
But it seems you want the space
You want me nowhere near your place
And definitely not in your face.
That's just my problem though.
Staying away. From the one person who I live for every day.
You. The real you.
The real you that's tip toeing away.

Soul Satisfying

It all made sense, that I had gaps. 

I had empty spaces and you knew how to cover the holes in my soul. 

You knew what to say and when to say it, you knew how and you knew why, 

and you knew it before I cried. 

You saw through the void in me, and made me see I am more than what I'm told to be.
You showed me what I am when I am me and you grew on me. 

You became the wind that blew reality in my face when I stood at the edge of the cliff

ready and willing to give it all up.

You were the face I saw behind closed eyes a second before I took the next step onto thin air

and it was the tears in your eyes that pushed me back two humongous steps until I fell to the soft warm grass.

But the moments after that were torturous

as I lay in the grass, staring at the blue skies above me,

the ones that pale in comparison to the blue I felt inside

knowing you'll never know

knowing that today isn't the same as yesterday was,

knowing that you aren't yesterday's you. 

I'm left reminiscing about you all the time. 

Every conversation, mostly the ones that made no sense, those are the ones I cherish most, 

those are the ones, of love, they boast. 

The kind we know isn't going anywhere, but we flow with it, you let me share, 

until my soul was bare. 

You were always there. 

And all of those gaps, the ones that led nowhere, were suddenly covered whole, no longer cold, 

a soul easier to hold and carry around, because no longer was there a void to be found. 

You made me whole. You satisfied my soul.

You walked away, bold. 

Implode

My biggest fear is that we'll implode.
That someday when we're not looking and when the rest of the world is, we'll softly, silently, break inwards, fall to pieces within our souls and implode.
And maybe we'll realize it, maybe we won't, or maybe it'll take time, but when we do realize it, the pain will come in waves and creep onto the shore of our hearts taking with it my favorite memories of you and washing up onto the shore all of the reasons why you had to go.
Maybe no one will hear it when our hearts sink and maybe we'll implode so very discreetly, that it takes us time to accept it at first,at second,
Never. 
Maybe I'll fight it. Maybe you'll fight me, but whatever it may be, we'll only be fighting destiny. Because maybe it was written, maybe we weren't meant to be, maybe the fates were playing around with me.
When we implode... No. If we implode, I imagine I'll meditate on all the things we didn't know we were letting go and all the words we could have said before we went to bed, and all the times you laid your head against my shoulder, and all the stories we made up of what we'll be when we're older.
I'll meditate on your eyes, on your smile, on the way you threw your head back and laughed like a child, and then I'll have to remind myself we imploded.
Because by god, I could get lost in your world when I think I about you, and I could forget that we aren't us, I'm distracted and foolish and maybe I'll never be able to get over you, and that love, is what I fear most.
My biggest fear is that we'll implode.

Until Tomorrow, Kate Beckett

Stana Katic

For those of you who read my blog regularly, this may come across as something so not me. This isn't your usual wanna-be poetry or a POV of a fictional character or any of the ordinary stuff that I post here. This, dear friends, is my much awaited rant for the highly unexpected departure of my all time favorite character Kate Beckett from the TV series Castle (2009)

On the 18th of April, as I sat at my desktop at around 11 pm, I had just reached the end of the episode where Rick reveals that he'd serviced Kate's motorcycle for her and they made a plan to ride around the country together soon (S08E18 Backstabber)  and at the same moment, as I grinned like an idiot at the scene, my phone buzzed with a tweet from a cast member. and I swear to you, that was all it took to wipe the grin off my face. and suddenly, what followed the first tweet was a series of tweets from the cast all saying goodbye to Stana Katic and wishing her all the very best for her future away from Castle.

I legit began to cry. and as I slept that night I was taken back to the moment I first started watching Castle. It was the year 2011, and I'd gotten addicted to the series after watching the first few season at a stretch. I had fallen in love with the characters and their stories and mostly with Kate Beckett. What always got to me, was that I, as a fan was made to fall in love with her character the way Rick Castle slowly and eventually fell in love with her. With every new thing he learned about her, with every little thing he felt, every moment that they found themselves at the edge of a cliff, I was right there, with them. With every new episode that allowed Rick into a new aspect of Kate's life, we the fans were taken there too. We've journeyed their lives through the seasons.

I guess what the writers hadn't anticipated, but appreciate now nonetheless , is that every fan found themselves empathizing with Kate. Be it about losing a loved one, being victim to injustice, growing up with an alcoholic parent, being closed off behind walls you've built for yourself, being flawed and imperfect, almost damaged. There was also the idea that Kate Beckett took all of that in her stride and became for us a woman of immense strength, bravery, humility and because I began to love her the way Castle did, I saw her as an inspiration. She wasn't just Castle's muse. She became the source of creativity for so many young fans. In fact there are pieces on this blog that have been inspired entirely by Kate Beckett and her relationship with the writer.

Knockdown

It was in 2012 that I discovered the art of fanfiction, and ergo, I found myself spending hours on end reading through the minds of fans, and how they expressed their imaginations on the site. What blew me away was how very invested every writer was with the characters and their lives, and how in writing things that never really happened on the show, they allowed themselves to become the writers of alternative endings and story lines, using the same characters and their backstories.

I remember wanting to miss the 7.30 am lecture at college on Tuesdays just so that I could watch Castle live with the US and be part of the live tweeting by the cast and writers along with the rest of the fandom. I can't remember a day where I haven't begun my morning with coffee from my custom made Castle mug. Half of all the gifts I receive on my birthdays are all Castle merchandise because by now I've made it all too clear to my friends that CASKETT is my all time One True Pair. I am an avid Heat series reader and the set of Nikki Heat books I own are my most prized possessions. It depresses me that if Stana is no longer on Castle, it'll just as well mean that Kate may no longer be Castle's source of inspiration and thus, the Heat series will discontinue, and bam! Just like that, I'll lose my favorite series of books along with my favorite fictional character.

Time Of Our Lives

Kate Beckett, a character built on the principles of fighting for whats right, accompanied with the ideals of intelligence, love, passion and beauty, became my go-to person. In my opinion, she built the series for me over all the 8 season that I've so religiously followed. Kate Beckett taught me what it is to fight for what you love, to stand up for what you believe in and be yourself while you're at it. She taught me, you can be whatever you want to be, no matter what stereotypes there are, and no matter what the world prefers. She taught me that no matter what, truth always conquers.

Some of Stana's best performances as Kate, I believe, were in episodes like Killshot, Probable Cause, In the belly of the Beast and Veritas. And it's a real pity that she wasn't noticed for these, that she wasn't awarded for her exceptional work. While I am just as big a fan of Nathan Fillion and his brilliance, I am torn with the news that Stana, a woman who over these past 6 years has become my idol, has been asked to leave the show.

Veritas

In the belly of the beast

XX

Kill shot

If you think it stops at Kate Beckett being an inspiration to her fans, you're wrong. From the very beginning, I've been a staunch, almost creepy stalker of Stana's twitter handle, and I've often dreamed of being noticed by her. But there are a million other fans aspiring for the same, only because we've found that she as a person, has taught us so much not just through the character she so very beautifully plays, but because of her dedication to the role, her commitment to the series, and her constant love for her fans. It is no secret that Stana is dorky, fun-loving and adventurous person. The movies and projects she involves herself in stand testimony to what her priorities are and how big her heart is. Her ATP (Alternative Travel Project) in LA and her involvement in CHLA have inspired fans all over the globe.

I feel proud to be part of a fandom, who worked so hard over these years of Castle to bring the show it's treasured 'Peoples Choice Awards', be it for the show entirely, or for the actors. A special mention here that Stana received the Peoples Choice Award for her role as Kate Beckett 3 years in a row now and I believe it is well deserved. What I will miss the most is the little words and catch phrases that Stana left us with while interacting with us over Castle. #CaskettingLikeABoss will forever be known as a tag given to us by the queen of the ship herself.

Time of our lives

Significant Others

While some of my closest friends never understood my obsession with the series, or with the characters, I was often ridiculed and questioned as to how and why I could love something so much. After a good number of 'Castle 101' sessions, I gave up on trying to make people understand. I didn't need peoples approval or acceptance of the fan girl in me. Hell, I even know there's just about a handful of my friends who've take the time out to read this rant, and I appreciate it.
I will forever hold close the friendships I've made because of Castle and mostly because of Kate Beckett. Our shared love and respect for her, has brought me closer to so many fans around the world and in my own country.

Will I watch Castle season 9 when it premiers again in September this year? I will. Because as much as it breaks my heart that Stana had to leave, and as much as I hate ABC for doing this to me and to the many fans around the world, I do love and respect all of the other actors, writers and crew members of the show. Writers like Andrew Marlowe, Terri Eda Miller, Jim Adler, Stephanie Hicks, Terrence Winter, Dara and Chad Creasey, Rob Hanning and the rest are writers who interact with the fans and whom I've had the pleasure of tweeting. They have worked endlessly over the years to give us a series that became more than just any Tv show. Prop Master, Rob Kyker is just as interactive with the fans across the globe, and the last thing I'd want is for people like them to be blamed for something they had no hand in.

Cast and crew of Castle (2015)

Cast and crew of Castle (2015)

I'm deeply saddened  that Stana's last episode with Castle is just around the corner, but at the same time, I'm happy that she can now step into new waters. Do more than she's ever done, and amaze us with her excellence.

Stana, I don't know if this will ever reach you, but know that I wish you all the very best for everything you decide to do. You have given life to what could have just been an ordinary character on a TV series, and for your efforts and dedication, I am grateful. If only you knew how much of a difference you've made in the lives of so many people around the world. We will forever support you and everything you stand for. Can't wait to watch your upcoming movies - Sister Cities and The Tourist

For 6 years of my life, Kate Beckett has been my inspiration, my idol, my go-to person. I found home in watching her build herself up to become what she's always dreamed of becoming, and finding her true love in a writer she never dreamed would be hers. She became part of my life, and she will ALWAYS be.

Sister Cities (2016)

The Tourist (2016)

And for you my readers, I just got a hold of these BTS pictures of the Finale that's due May 16th. Now leave me be, to stare at them and cry at the fact that these will be the last BTS we will ever see of Stana on Castle. Okay now, bye.

Castle 8x22- Crossfire (Season Finale BTS)

Castle 8x22- Crossfire (Season Finale BTS)

"There are no regrets. All in all, I think we've had a great run."- Kate Beckett (Still)