Weak

I refuse to be myself
I refuse to act normal
I refuse to conform to the world's expectations
Excuse me if I say things that aren't like me
Excuse me if I roll my eyes at you
and excuse me if I drift away
This is my way of giving the world what it gives me
call me foolish, call me revengeful
but I have a heart
and the universe has made it it's life's aim to tear it apart
So let me mourn
let me grieve
let me, for once, not believe
That life is good, and life will get better
cause right now I'm falling off the end of my tether
I sought comfort, I sought peace
but the last thing I feel is ease.
For one who usually feels too much at once
I am reduced to numbness
Nothingness, a dunce.
And a quiet so deafening
I long for noise, noise of any kind
to fill up the silence of a grieving mind.
A drop, and then ripples, and soon waves
Change hits me like an ocean
tears catching up with graves.
And all I want is to be saved
from heart-damage and pain
not another loss, not again.
Take not from me
another piece
I am doing all I can
to hold together the real me.
Binding parts of me with the remnants of my worn soul
I am weak, tired and growing cold
Weakness has never been me
but suddenly, strength is a mirage too farfetched
and I am left pleading with thee
Take not away, another part of me.

Eyes

She was a star from conception , A design too good to be true
But she was sent to earth , His good to do
She was a walking talking piece of art
Beautiful inside and out
The apple of her parents eyes, best friend to many, no doubt
She was a leader in the truest sense
Led by example and deed
Flaws she had a few, but then again, don’t we all?
Her perfections over powered the imperfections
To complain, there was no need
Elocution queen with eyes that spoke louder than words
She was an explosion of talent
With a voice of the birds
Bubbly, vibrant, bright and beautiful
A pacakage of happiness all bundled in one
What good did the earth do? This award to have won.
She was by my side for 12 years of my life
She held my hand when joy paled in comparison to strife
Growing up in her company, teaching and learning
We changed and dreamed, with hearts that stayed burning
But life gets in the way, and plans change
And the Master of it all, has ways that seem strange
And even though I will never understand
God took away the star that once held my hand.
She was one of a kind
Animal lover, natures friend, human with a genius mind.
The world has lost a gem,
A reason to shine.
Even in death, she gave to the world
Her million dollar eyes she left behind
So that someday, someone, some hope will find.

I am left wondering why the words never came sooner
Why lives slip so easily and how they never get to know
How much we love and care, its a pity we never show.
I wish I had told her sooner, or that I could make her stay
I feel foolish to have never expressed how I adored her funny ways.
She was one of a kind.
I won't see her any more
Until the day I knock on heaven's door
Until then her memory I will keep
Alive, awake, never asleep.
I don’t quite want to accept it,
And I don’t quite think I will.
She was a fighter, a warrior,
an inspiration till the end.
She was.
She will
Forever be my best friend.

RIP Sanjna Akre 💓

Fire

You are a wick, waiting to shine,
To be touched by a flame, to ignite
To burn souls and leave a mark
To be hope in someone's dark
To take someone's breath away
And to give someone reason to stay.
You are here and you will shine
You are even warmer than a cold night's glass of wine
You weaken knees and shake the earth
You are beautiful, for whatever it's worth
You bring life, love and mirth
You are no destruction, only a comforting hearth.
In your presence the hardest of souls will melt,
And in your embrace no negativity will be felt.
You are easy on the eyes and a cure for a cold heart.
You're the answer to many a prayer,
A solution, and for many a life, a vital part.
The fire in your veins burns every life you touch
You are powerful, and mean so much
You don't know the fire in you like I do,
You are danger and safety all wrapped in one.
You, my dear, are lava, light and warmth
My north star, my sun.

Soul to Soul

Be careful when you lay your heart open to someone. You give them a power over you. You offer them your weaknesses to hold and the knowledge of everything that could break you or make you.
One in a million will resist the urge to use your weaknesses against you, one in a million will be aware of the power they have over your heart and not take advantage of it, one in a million will see you at your worst and stay instead of run, one in a million will know that behind that facade of strength and happiness is a struggling soul just making it through.
That one in a million will need you as much as you need them. And it will be that interdependence that'll push you both ahead. We are all weak and insignificant, we pale in comparison to the universe and the challenges it throws at us each rotation the earth takes.
We need a soul to hold our own together when our own hearts threaten to tear us apart. Souls require souls to bond with, to relate with, and to embrace so that even when the world sits heavily on our shoulders, we have someone to share the weight. Souls need souls who can simply say "it'll get better" rather than "I told you so" or "have faith" rather than "there's nothing that can be done" or "I love you" rather than "you're a failure".
Souls need building up and not breaking down. We rely on one another to grow and in the process we learn more, enough to be stand strong even when the world thinks we're wrong. We count on the other to be there when we make mistakes, to not judge and to hold our pieces together when we break. We count on one another to always stay in touch, to never lose the connection, the affection and the constant attention.
We build an understanding, a contract of sorts, to be eachother's person, bound by the tightest of hypothetical knots. Souls don't just read eachothers thoughts, they become one with them, they are a collection of people and vibes, good and bad. Souls carry scars and memories, every pain and every joy, every encounter, every experience, souls are filled to the brim yet hungry, greedy for love. Bare your soul to whomever you will, but be aware you will no longer be a keeper of your own secrets, be aware you've given someone a piece of you, trusting that while holding it close they will not use it against you. Be aware that you are no longer one. You are a part, incomplete without the soul, the one you chose, the one you let in with no second thought, to hold your tired self when the battles are fought.

Even as I warn you, I wish to inform you, there are souls that live to make another feel safe. Appreciate these mates, make them known and loved, show them that you are thankful for their care. Show them, that you will always be there.

I rarely rant, but this had to be done, soulmates are hard to find... I pray you find the right one.

Living To Love You

Loving you comes naturally to me,
like how it takes no thought for a bird to sit on a tree
Loving you needs no text to study.
You are a book in yourself,
quite like the read I love on a Sunday afternoon.
Loving you requires no night sky or bright moon.
I can love you just the same under the bright blue sky,
lit up by the sun.
Loving you is like sitting by the fireplace on a cold winters night,
warmth and good vibes all in one.
Loving you can be a task,
especially when that wall you hide behind stands strong,
your refuge, your protective mask.
Loving you is battling every negative emotion I can conjure.
It makes me think of how I can't think.
and how you're the only cure.
Loving you is as natural as a blink,
involuntary, necessary and the right amount of rest.
Loving you can be a mess,
chaos in my heart causing pain in my chest.
But loving you, is the best I can do,
because you stand out from the rest,
Loving you, comes easily to me.
I know no other love as extraordinary as this.
Loving you is as easy as a touch
and as awakening as a kiss.
Loving you is what I've come to miss.

Demons of the Dusk

Behind every warrior-heart,
is a soul battered and torn.

A soul that's weary,
and from all the war, worn.
She has a shield to protect her heart,
and bubble wrap to better her fall,
she can grow tired of fighting
of always standing tall.
She may be strong
and often never wrong,
but she's only human
she wants a love
to carry her along.
All her armour and all her might
pales in comparison to the thoughts she has at night.

For it is in the quiet,

that she stands alone 

in a real fight of her own, 

caught between her heart and her mind,

standing on a threshold of what's wrong and right.

There she stands, stripped of all armour,

vulnerable, weak to anything that could harm her.

Demons of loneliness and depression

stand before her, in an arc of aggression.

And she waits on the field,

for someone to come stand with her

waits and waits until dusk disappears.

She rises with the sun,

even though her battle isn't won,

and walks on to fight the demons she can.

Dreading the monsters of the night,

she fights the day, 

Hoping some night, she'll be an army of two 

to drive those dusk demons away.

The Real Deal

You could read all those fancy deep quotes about love and think you understand.

You could listen to lyrics of the most romantic love songs ever known to man.

You could read poems and plays and watch movies that promise 'always',

And still never know if love stays.

You could watch your friends go through heart break, only to fall again another time.

You could watch lovers express in rhyme.

But you will still not understand love and it's crime.

No.

Love will come to you in its unexpected time.

And it'll shake the earth beneath your feet

It will drown you and desert you

And make you break before you wake

And smell the roses

And I suppose this

is how it must feel.

It must feel honest,

frustrating and real.

Love will be terrifying and fixing

and all levels of pain

Love will drive you completely insane.

But to my descriptions,

pay no heed

I am but only another mislead.

Love is to be felt and to be given,

Not to be expressed and well written.

Love is a metaphor for feeling everything and nothing at all

When loves dials,

I hope you have a great fall